If Animals Ran for President: Their Campaign Promises Would Be Wild

Finally, a candidate who promises unlimited naps and treats for all.

Forget the usual political slogans—what if animals campaigned for office? Here’s what their platforms would look like, based on their very honest priorities.

🐶 The Dog Party

A Golden Retriever in a presidential suit

Economy? Jobs? THROW THE BALL.

Candidate: Golden Retriever
Slogan: “A Ball in Every Yard!”
Platform:
✅ Free belly rubs as a constitutional right.
✅ All mailmen must surrender treats or face “vigorous barking audits.”
✅ National naptime from 1-3 PM daily.
Weakness: Easily distracted by squirrels during debates.

🐱 The Feline Independence Party

A cat sitting on a podium

Candidate: Orange Tabby
Slogan: “I Allow You to Vote for Me.”
Platform:
✅ Legalize knocking things off tables (classified as “artistic expression”).
✅ All laps must be available 24/7—strict enforcement.
✅ No more vet visits (declared “cruel and unusual punishment”).
Weakness: Campaign ends abruptly when a sunbeam appears.

🐦 The Bird Party

I call this economic policy

Candidate: Crow
Slogan: “Shiny Objects for All!”
Platform:
✅ Replace cash with bottle caps and gum wrappers.
✅ Mandatory “loud yelling at dawn” to build community spirit.
✅ Tax breaks for anyone who feeds them fries.
Weakness: Easily bribed with glitter.

🦝 The Trash Panda Progressive Party

Candidate: Raccoon
Slogan: “One Man’s Trash Is Our Entire Economy!”
Platform:
✅ Open-bin garbage policy (no more “lids”).
✅ National “dumpster diving” holidays.
✅ Free WiFi near all dumpsters.
Weakness: Scandals involving stolen BBQ sauce.

🐍 The Reptilian Elite Party

I’m not a lizard person. I’m worse.

Candidate: Ball Python
Slogan: “No Arms, No Problems.”
Platform:
✅ Mandatory heated rocks in every home.
✅ Mice-based currency.
✅ All meetings must be held in warm, dark places.
Weakness: Keeps forgetting to blink during speeches (creeps people out).