Spoiler: Genghis Khan’s customer service was… lacking.
We live in a world where people Yelp-review toilet paper and graveyards, so why not apply modern-day critiques to history’s biggest names? Here’s what the internet might say if historical figures had to face the wrath of online reviews.
1. Genghis Khan – Mongol Empire LLC
⭐ 1/5 Stars
“TERRIBLE hospitality. Showed up uninvited, destroyed my city, and didn’t even leave a Yelp tip. Also, the ‘massive empire expansion’ package was non-refundable. Would NOT recommend.” – Disgruntled in Khwarezm
“Pros: Efficient conqueror. Cons: Zero work-life balance—dude never stopped.” – Former Employee
2. Cleopatra – Queen of the Nile Spa & Reign
⭐ 3/5 Stars
“Gorgeous aesthetic (pyramids, gold, etc.), but the relationship drama was EXHAUSTING. First Caesar, then Antony… girl, pick a lane.” – OverItInAlexandria
“Great at marketing (rolled out of a carpet once—iconic), but the ‘eternal power’ guarantee expired fast.” – RomanTourist42
3. Leonardo da Vinci – Renaissance Man Studios
⭐ 4/5 Stars
“Brilliant mind, but took FOREVER to finish projects. Mona Lisa’s smile? Took 4 years. My portrait? Still waiting.” – ImpatientPatron1499
“Invented helicopters 500 years too early but couldn’t even mail me my commissioned painting. Priorities, man.” – ArtLover88
4. Henry VIII – Tudor Divorce Court & Wife Emporium
⭐ 2/5 Stars
“Changed his ‘relationship status’ more than a middle-schooler. Also, the prenup was… extreme.” – SurvivorOfMarriage6
“Good at throwing feasts, bad at keeping wives alive. Mixed bag.” – Courtier123
5. Marie Antoinette – Let Them Eat Cake Bakery
⭐ 1/5 Stars
“Tone-deaf service. I asked for bread, she said ‘eat cake.’ Ma’am, I can’t afford flour.” – HungryPeasant1779
